What am I doing here?
A bunch of polish teenagers are staring at me. Or more exactly, they are waiting for something to happen, for the next thing to happen. And the next thing today is me. And then I had the blissful moment. The one I have been wondering since I arrive in Poland. The elusive question of What am I doing here. And I mean it. Not in a philosophical way, the question is concrete and pushing her way into consciousness. As if the question wanted to be mixed into the physical experience. Is not an answer from convenience of filling my cv, is not a longing for a change, is not a sabbatical. Well, ok, is all of that, just like the top of an iceberg.
Back with the bunch of polish students. The coordinator is about to finish, my heart is moving blood around in high speed. I follow it, no flow with it, just follow. But I have that smile, the spontaneous one, the one that knows, that I am in the right track. By norm I will avoid public speaking, in fact, I spent years doing something else, in order to avoid it. Or missing something out, in order to avoid it. Or be somewhere else, to avoid it.
The polish teens don’t know nothing about it. What I miss out, did or stop doing. They, as I said, are staring at me waiting for the next thing to happen.I just knew yesterday that I was going to lead a 2 days workshop, 4 hours each day, in a local school of high Silesia, in the unpronounceable town of Gorzow Wielkopolski. Four hours driving to the border with Germany.
I have been in Poland one week. From monday to friday I almost lost a teeth. The other two I considered to go back home. Again they don’t know nothing about this. Or care. I am the next thing to happen between 11am to 15 pm on a tuesday.
And I just happen. And I actually enjoyed it. And then, I start to experience it, not to answer, to deep into the experience with the elusive question, with the immediacy of it. The high, the low, the voice, the gesture, the whole body breathing, their expressions,their interest, the lack of them, improvisation, what works, what doesn’t, suddenly the energy drops, suddenly awakes, what works 10 minutes ago is boring now, the next thing, the appreciation, mine, theirs.
The satisfaction of communication.